Holy Sh*t, a Colonoscopy (The Bare Butt Truth)

Ah, the joys of aging - where your birthday candles increase and so do your medical procedures. Today’s tale? The magical misery that is a colonoscopy. Or as I like to call it: the 48-hour crash cleanse you didn’t sign up for.

Step 1: The “White Diet” That Sucks the Joy Out of Eating

Five days of foods so pale they make Wonder Bread look like a superfood.

✅ What you can eat: white bread, white rice, white pasta (whole wheat? not on this ride), eggs, cheese, yogurt, basic bananas or canned fruits (no skins/hard to digest), and cooked-to-death veggies (again, no skins).

🚫 What you want to eat: Literally anything else. But nope.

At least meat is allowed. Silver lining? I guess.

Step 2: The Day Before - Toast and Tears

Breakfast? A single piece of dry toast. That’s it. No butter, no jam, no joy.

And if your appointment is in the afternoon the next day like mine (1:30pm), guess what? You get a bonus snack of… another slice of dry toast at 12:59pm.

Drinks? Water, yellow Gatorade, chicken broth, more water, and clear tea. Not even milk in your Tetley tea. It’s the hydration equivalent of sadness.

Step 3: Night of the “Cleanse” (a.k.a. Hell)

8pm rolls around and it’s time to drink 8 glasses of ice-cold, fruit-scented propulsion juice in less than 2 hours - aka 2 litres of polyethylene glycol. BARF.

It tastes like salty fruit juice mixed with regret.

They say it kicks in within 1 to 4 hours. Mine waited until hour 3 to hit me with the force of a freight train.

💩 Pro tip: Don’t be far from a bathroom. Don’t even blink far from one.

Sleep? LMAO. None for you.

🎭 Humour Break: We’re Not Alone

While writing this, I remembered part of a Billy Connolly comedy routine from back in the day where he essentially describes the medicine you take as something invented by Nasa. He wasn’t lying (except he got to take tablets, not drink 2 litres of shite, TWICE, in 2 hours like me). Watch it!!! Laugh. Cry. It’s the only thing that’ll get you through.

Step 4: 🔔 Ding ding. Morning Round 2 - The Colon Cleanse Continues

As if round one wasn’t enough, at 8am you get to chug another 8 glasses. That’s two more litres of that oceanic horror.

Your body has officially entered liquid rebellion. You want to throw up.

And by now, you don’t want anything except to be sedated and set free.

Step 5: Showtime

Get to the clinic early like a good patient. Strip down in a hallway surrounded by other lucky contestants. Gown up. IV in. Questions repeated for the third time.

The vibe? Colonoscopy cattle call. If you’re blessed like I was, you get to stare directly into a clinic room watching a doctor review a colon vid to write his notes, with a nurse right behind him cleaning off the butt cam. Did I mention that it’s long, black, and was just in someone else? 😐

Step 6: The Main Event

They say you’ll feel mild cramping. Mild? Lies.

My doctor was kind and apologetic

“I’m so sorry, sorry, sorry… almost done, just one more bend, so sorry, almost there.”

If this was a yoga class, it’d be called Downward Screaming.

But to his credit, he was as efficient AF and it was over fast.

Step 7: The Farting Hallway of Recovery

You’re wheeled out to a hallway where everyone is passing gas like it’s a competition.

Pro tip: don’t be shy. You have to fart. They won’t let you leave until you do.

The good news? You’re so empty, there’s nothing left to stink.

Step 8: The Aftermath (Don’t Eat Like a Hero)

By 3:15pm I was home and starving. The paperwork said, “Resume normal eating.”

DON’T.

Your insides just went through war. Ease back into food like you’re 87 with dentures and a sensitive stomach.

Remember the Trauma: I didn’t know this much could come out of me.

I didn’t know it would feel this bad.

I didn’t know the cramps and sh*t that broke free even existed.

I didn’t know… I didn’t know…

And until you go through one yourself - YOU DON’T KNOW EITHER!

Conclusion? Avoid: fiber, seeds, multigrain anything, raw veg, nuts.

As much as you don’t want to, stick with: toast, eggs, bananas, soup for a couple of days.

You’ll thank me later.

Final Thoughts: Colonoscopies are Wild

It’s the kind of experience you don’t fully understand until it’s your butt on the line.

Necessary? Yes. Funny in hindsight? Kind of. Would I rather do a lot of other things? Abso-freakin-lutely.

But here we are. Colon squeaky clean. Still alive.

💋 Welcome to LouLou LIFE: where even your medical procedures come with attitude. Want more TMI with a side of WTF? Follow me for the rest of this aging gracefully (and loudly) journey.